Sunday, November 30, 2008


I know it's a little late for a Thanksgiving-esque post, but a recent comment on my Facebook account kind of made me think about it.

About a year ago, I struggled with depression, heck, I still do to a degree. I had gotten so low that I had a pair of scissors to my arm and a voice in my head saying, "Cut yourself, you'll feel numb, you won't feel anything anymore." Fortunately, this scared me very much because that voice wasn't my own. I called my mom, my therapist, and two close friends-- one of which came to my dorm immediately and prayed with me. (Bless her soul!) Because of this, and past bouts with depression, I am truly thankful for my very life. If God hadn't stepped in at that critical hour, I honestly don't know if I'd be sitting here writing this today.

Because of these past experiences, I had to make some changes in my life, particularly the people in my life. It was a very painful thing to do, but I feel it was necessary. I'm a lot better now. I did get into a touch of a backwards-slide when I went abroad (drinking, smoking-->which I quit..), but now I'm continuing some of the changes and am continuing on my road to living a life that is pleasing to the Lord.

My church has been a huge influence on my life. It's been my rock during this past year when I've been going through all sorts of crap. Last week's sermon about Soft Hearts ( podcast/mp3 here )really hit me. I've hardened my heart to the world that's hurt me, pushing everyone away...even my God. I'm slowly on the way back to Him and trying to find some new, solid relationships in my life, as it seems that I'm not the only one that's made changes. But that's not the point I was trying to make... My church gave us the opportunity to share what we're thankful for on a video to be shown this Sunday (which I was unfortunately unable to see!) and I was in it. A dear friend said in response to my status of being pathetic (an entirely different blog!): "but you looked great on the [church] video today, if that helps..." And it really did. It reminded me of what being thankful is all about.

Also, my friend has cancer. She's doing better, but her struggles really makes me realize how thankful I really am for my life.

Now I leave you with my favorite song, "I'm on my way" by Rich Price.
Here it is, on the right- side of the page if you want to listen to it, which you do.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Extroverted Introvert

So people seem to think that I'm "out-going" when I don't feel like I am. I was taken aback by this observation of the girls in my Bible Study during our "girl's night."

I tend to be "out-going" when I'm in situations that call for that: parties, get-togethers, interviews... However I spend many-a-night alone, in my room, on purpose...well, sort of. After a long day, there's nothing I like to do more than to chill out, watch some tv/a movie and go to bed (and perhaps a cold beer when I'm eventually of-age to legally do so, 5 months or so from now). It's not that I don't enjoy people's company, I do, but it's just that I haven't found the right company. I don't really have any friends that I can just go to their room to hang out, or call when I'm bored, etc. I do have friends I see occasionally, but if I want to go get coffee with someone, I'm the one who has to initiate it. Always. It's been like this since I can remember. However, I think my lack-of-invitations lately is due to the fact that I'm sort of mid-drift between campus christian groups. I haven't found one where I really feel at home though for me that' s a difficult concept anyway.

I just would like to have people who call me because they want to talk, and invite me to things that I may want to go to; rather than going by myself to everything always, and feeling awkward (though I'm a rather awkward person).

Am I "out-going?" I don't know. I don't like to think I am, but I am when I have to be. I get things done, and I can stand on my own two feet...though I don't want to have to always be alone.

I'm a bit of a conundrum, and I don't know what to do about it. I'll just keep doing what I'm doing. When it's in the Lord's Will for me, then it is, if not? Well, never mind then.

P.S: I'm reading Twilight by Stephanie Meyers (the book with that movie out now), and I'm liking it. He frikkin' glitters. Read the book and you'll understand.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Elämä/ Leben/ Life

I like doing these multi-lingual subjects. Makes me feel..well, special. heh. The languages are Finnish/German/English. I couldn't remember what "life" was in Chinese... I'll figure it out someday.

So, I haven't updated here for a while, and I apologize. I'm usually on Livejournal, but a lot of my posts are friends-only, so if you're on there, leave a comment and I'll add you. :) I usually write about the same stuff, so I guess the wonders of "copy-paste" could come into play. ha ha!

Well, I've been kind of busy at school. I'm only taking 13 credits (12 is the minimum), but they're difficult classes, so it feels like it's a lot more. Organic Chemistry hasn't been going too well, I have a paper due in English (and reading to catch up on..I'm supposed to have read 200 pages by tuesday..but that's including a deadline I missed. Luckily I've already read the book), and Chinese class keeps me on my toes. I feel like there's not enough time in the week to do all the stuff I want study well ha ha.

I've just been craving a "home" to really connect with people, and make meaningful and uplifting relationships, which I feel like I haven't really had. Since I'm so busy, I haven't had time to catch up with people/have coffee with people/have a life! GAH! At least I get the weekends off...oy. I'm looking forward to Thanksgiving break so that I can have a few days to unwind a bit before the finals-overhaul. I don't even want to think about that!!

I've also been reading my lovely friend's blog, who is currently in Africa studying abroad. It's been really wonderful to hear that she's adjusting to the cultural differences (which I can understand with my experiences in China), making friends, and just absorbing the culture. That's so awesome to hear, because I love her so much, and I miss her! Way to go Sara!

But yeah, that kind of wraps up my life for the moment. Never an opportunity to breathe...or sleep, but I guess that's what Thanksgiving break will be about! *counting down the days...24 days to be exact*

Well, take care and God Bless!!