Tuesday, September 27, 2011

What's this? Another post? Impossible!

Wow, another post in only a few days?! What is this madness?!? (*snirk*)

Lately, I've been longing for a way out. I'm tired of all this loneliness, frustration, worry, and longing for home. Any kind of home. Right now, it's mainly my childhood home, since that's where I'm most familiar at the moment. It's just difficult knowing that a home is grown and made, it's not instantaneous... well, at least not for me. If it is instantaneous, you're the lucky one.

All these difficulties in being here have made me rewind my memories back to when I was "studying abroad" in Finland (being originally from Finland, "studying abroad" is a loose term). It was just as difficult, even though it is my "home country." (that's a whole 'nother story in and of itself) I just couldn't get the hang of things, and I'd never been so depressed in my life. However, as a disclaimer, I was in high school, when our developing brains are still largely based in the emotional part of our brain (the hypothalmus? I forget which part of the brain it was...), so our emotions feel amplified whereas the rational side of our brain doesn't kick in until later in life. [THANK YOU Life Sciences Communications 350 -- a class that was based on how the brain processes images and how you feel about them! One of the best classes I ever took in college!]

I digress.

So in high school, it feels like it was worse than now (I don't know if it's just because of my developmental stage at the time, or if it really was. *shrug* I don't know). I was just about getting over it when I had to leave at the end of the year. At that time, I was finally feeling comfortable with everything, and my friends, etc., that I almost was sad in leaving.

This is also the time I came to be a Christian.

Now, it seems, I'm in a similar predicament. However, now I have more resources (by way of support) and a more rational brain to work with. I no longer feel like the world is caving in because I'm just-so-emo! *sarcastically cries* (though, I admit, I still do feel that way from time to time)

So how do I take my experiences of the past and apply them to today?

Well, I'm a MUCH different person than I was back then (thank God!!). I long for that child-like faith I had back then, when I could feel so much. Now, it's more difficult.

Especially since I have been presented with the way out I've been longing for, but not actually expecting to get... Not sure if I should go for it...

I'm still not sure what to do. I'm trying to do little things- like doing things I like, creative things- which tend to fall behind when I'm like this, trying to be around other people when I have no desire to, etc. Baby steps, I think. Baby steps.

Because I'm tired of falling apart.

Friday, September 23, 2011

Creativity and Life in South Korea

I know I promised many months ago that I would update several times a week, every week. This has not happened, and I'm not sorry. I wish I could be sorry, but I don't feel like I owe anyone a mundane, sub-par, albeit "foreign" (literally and figuratively) blog entry. It's also the fear of reverting to my teenage, emo blog posts from my livejournal blog back in the day. I also am more careful what I post online, as I understand the repercussions of what I say.

In a nutshell, I'm not sorry I haven't posted, and yet afraid to post because of the fear of dullness.

Though I can hear my friends and family saying, "But you're living ABROAD, which many people don't get to do, and you're afraid of being DULL??" Yes. I am.

Today I watched a TED Talk, which I often like to do to feel enlightened, and managed to come across Elizabeth Gilbert (author of Eat, Pray, Love, a book that thoroughly moved me) talking about creativity. Particularly about how creative genius works (in her opinion), as the Ancient Greeks and Romans envisioned it, as an otherworldly thing on loan to you from an "unknown source" to enjoy and use. It is a thing apart from yourself, which is often internalized by these artists/creative people that often leads to their ruin (Kurt Cobain, Mozart, Picasso, Ernest Hemingway, etc.). As a Christian, I see this from God's perspective, that this bit of talent/creativity/whatever you want to call it, as a gift from God, and to be cherished. (please forgive the awful grammar of that last sentence!)

It really is an interesting idea. I have aspirations to possibly be a science writer. I had planned on updating this blog on a regular basis to maintain my writing skills (which my mother says are quite good...but being my mother, I don't know if she's just saying that or if it's true.). But yet that hasn't happened.

I think it could be that this transition into my own life, apart from my family and the place I consider "home," has been more difficult than I anticipated. I thought that I could be this adventurous, fabulous woman, traversing the globe in search of amazing things to do and see.

This has not happened, and it's a little troubling. I feel like I haven't lived up to my friends' and family's expectations of me being that globe-trotter.

I also have been finding my health to be not as robust as it has been in the USA. I've gotten several colds, a sinus and ear infection, pink eye, and now I have skin problems on my hands (and face...partly due to a mosquito problem). I have a feeling that my skin problems could be a physical effect of my current feeling of apathy (to put it lightly), but I have no way of knowing.

I need help to get by. I'm currently seeking it out, so no worries, but I reflect onto what Elizabeth Gilbert said. That my creativity (which I've been craving) is not to be internalized, but to be recognized as a gift from God, and to use it for what I need it for.

So, in that, I'm hoping to update this blog more (I'm pretty sure I said that last time too). If not to update my friends and family about the goings on in my head, but also to have some sort of a creative outlet, which may be just the thing I need to survive here in Korea.

In conclusion, here's the Elizabeth Gilbert talk. I highly recommend you watch it.