Tuesday, September 27, 2011

What's this? Another post? Impossible!

Wow, another post in only a few days?! What is this madness?!? (*snirk*)

Lately, I've been longing for a way out. I'm tired of all this loneliness, frustration, worry, and longing for home. Any kind of home. Right now, it's mainly my childhood home, since that's where I'm most familiar at the moment. It's just difficult knowing that a home is grown and made, it's not instantaneous... well, at least not for me. If it is instantaneous, you're the lucky one.

All these difficulties in being here have made me rewind my memories back to when I was "studying abroad" in Finland (being originally from Finland, "studying abroad" is a loose term). It was just as difficult, even though it is my "home country." (that's a whole 'nother story in and of itself) I just couldn't get the hang of things, and I'd never been so depressed in my life. However, as a disclaimer, I was in high school, when our developing brains are still largely based in the emotional part of our brain (the hypothalmus? I forget which part of the brain it was...), so our emotions feel amplified whereas the rational side of our brain doesn't kick in until later in life. [THANK YOU Life Sciences Communications 350 -- a class that was based on how the brain processes images and how you feel about them! One of the best classes I ever took in college!]

I digress.

So in high school, it feels like it was worse than now (I don't know if it's just because of my developmental stage at the time, or if it really was. *shrug* I don't know). I was just about getting over it when I had to leave at the end of the year. At that time, I was finally feeling comfortable with everything, and my friends, etc., that I almost was sad in leaving.

This is also the time I came to be a Christian.

Now, it seems, I'm in a similar predicament. However, now I have more resources (by way of support) and a more rational brain to work with. I no longer feel like the world is caving in because I'm just-so-emo! *sarcastically cries* (though, I admit, I still do feel that way from time to time)

So how do I take my experiences of the past and apply them to today?

Well, I'm a MUCH different person than I was back then (thank God!!). I long for that child-like faith I had back then, when I could feel so much. Now, it's more difficult.

Especially since I have been presented with the way out I've been longing for, but not actually expecting to get... Not sure if I should go for it...

I'm still not sure what to do. I'm trying to do little things- like doing things I like, creative things- which tend to fall behind when I'm like this, trying to be around other people when I have no desire to, etc. Baby steps, I think. Baby steps.

Because I'm tired of falling apart.

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