Tuesday, September 7, 2010

They say that home is where the heart is, I guess I haven't found my home.

Title: Ingrid Michaelson: "Are we there yet?"

Sorry I haven't posted here so much, but I usually post over at my LJ... I'll try to make this a mirror!

I have a hard time with transitions. Any transition, really. Big ones particularly freak me out. Guess what? I'm going through a big one right now. I will soon be going off into the real world (well, half-way across the world, really.), and that's especially hard. Some days I don't mind it, in fact, I can be pretty excited about it. Yet, there are days where I have panic attacks about it. My mental state is rather fragile yet, and I worry that I will only get worse when I go abroad...alone...by myself. I worry too much anyway. I think that having a dog with me over there will help a lot. Spending the summer with my own, old dog really helped. However, my own dog is rather old, and retired. I want her to live out her last years in peace, without taking her with me (even though she still has a good many years left, and is perfectly healthy). I was going to take her grandson, but he isn't really what I'm looking for. My mom even threw out the idea of his sister, but I think my mom wants her. This dog thing is really worrying me, because the logistics aren't there for me. I know this is a few months from now, but I don't know if I could be there by myself.

I've even started pulling away from relationships in my town. I mean, I'm going to be going far away, and I know that I will lose most of those relationships anyway (which is my logic). However, with my mental state being as it is, this isn't healthy for me right now. I need relationships with others, and I'm definately NOT talking about romantic ones. I need, no, crave relationships. I've been pulling away for too long, and I've let my baggage get the best of me for too long. I'm hesitant to start new relationships, but I need this. Though this is also difficult, because of many reasons which I might not write about here. I could use prayers...

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